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Saturday, February 28, 2009

Ones I didn't write and wish I did.

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Most people believe the chemical formula for what sustains life is H2O, when in fact it is MrT + 2JPf. The ionic bond between JibbaJabba and PityingFools is so great that if one attempts to split that molecule, Chuck Norris jumps from a flaming truck and roundhouse kicks that person in the teeth.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr. T got all of his golden jewelry from defeating Misters A through S in hand-to-hand combat and collecting it off of their dead remains. Kinda like that movie "The One", only except there's a lot less jibba jabba and fewer fools.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The gold in Mr. T's chains is actually 48 carat gold. It is the purest element in the universe and was made by King Midas. Only Mr. T can touch 48 carat gold without being vaporzied instantly.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Mr T. is in fact 120 feet tall, breathes fire, and pisses liquid gold. but since no human on earth can comprehend his awsomeness, he formed a man out of gold, rock, and c-4 explosives to pity us all.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

Mr. T's infamous catch phrase was misunderstood to be "I Pity The Fool" when it was actually "I Pee In Your Food". Mr. T then proceded to eat a bag of kittens.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

Mr. T was the only kid at his high school. His high school was undefeated in all sports for the one year it took him to graduate. This is not surprising considering he invented every sport.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

There is a commonly told story talking about how Mr T. entered into a Mr. T look-alike contest and came in 3rd. This is obviously not true, because nobody would be alive to tell the tale after the amount of pitying that would have taken place.

Mr.T actually came up with the theory of relavity, Einstein merely stole it from him. Although originaly this was called Mr.T's theory of relative pity, Einstein in fact mistranslated it into 'jibba jabba' 81 6.51
A random onlooker once taunted Mr. T. Mr. T responded by hitting the man so hard that both his parents died.

Mr. T once pitied a fool so hard that he burst into flames.

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genetalia".

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

20 Facts About Mister T

20 Facts About Mr. T
(HT: Julie)

Every time a bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is
folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. Regardless of the
situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment that Norris
roundhouse-kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80’s.

Twenty-three. That’s the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time
it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus … all the
caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through

Mr. T’s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of
the concept of infinity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse because Mr. T is going
to walk.

Mr. T coined the phrase “I see dead people” after the wait staff at
Denny’s forgot his birthday.

Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show “Where Are They Now?” was the shortest
in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds of a black screen with the
words “Right Behind You” written on it.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun
is afraid to shine on him.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. The ice age followed.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him.
What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown
ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting

If there is a fool in the woods and nobody is around to hear his jibba
jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T once appeared on the show “Fear Factor,” not as a contestant, but
as a stunt. There were no winners and six deaths. Mr. T has not been
invited back.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

From Chris Cooksons Cereal is Just Cold Soup With Milk

Just goes to show-republicans are always right. Even though Kerry was a boob, and really, REALLY uninteresting, he wasn't off-point. he should have had Chris Rock be his voice to America...oh wait no-Chris Rock really would have been shot!

And I just wanna say: Chris, thank you for the horrible movies! I've not been able to watch horrible movies with (sniff!) company since my moms had me sit through Godzilla flicks when I was but a babe! I, I - I LOVE your taste in movies man!